Only in the Darkness Can You See the Stars

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picture courtesy of HeartHomestyle.com

I wonder how many of you struggle with the darkness. I don’t mean the actual darkness of nighttime, although perhaps when night falls, your soul saddens. I mean, every day as you take each step, your mind tugs and pulls you towards feelings of darkness and sadness and hopelessness and maybe even self hatred.

About two months ago, I made an intentional decision to use Facebook less. Obviously, I use it countless times a day for this blog… but I use it less for personal stuff. Facebook is such a magnificent place for reuniting with old friends and following their lives. But when it comes down to it, what do we really see on Facebook? We see all of the good stuff. We don’t see the messy stuff. We don’t hear about people’s marriages who are hanging on by a thread, parents who are mourning the poor decisions their children are making, families who are swimming in debt, wanna be mommas who cry each month when their pregnancy tests turn up negative, wives (or husbands) who suspect their spouse is cheating on them, and the list goes on and on. Life is messy. Life is hard. And for some of us, it is difficult to get through the darkness of it.

For me, it got to the point where I had a difficult time seeing through the facade of happy Facebook photos. All I would see is picture perfect families on vacation, Pinterest worthy pictures of excited families announcing pregnancies, prestigious job updates and basically, the good stuff. Even I would (and still do) post fun pictures of my two year old showing just how adorable he is and witty he is and fun he is. But behind the pictures are so much more. Life isn’t always easy. He’s 2 years old. So that should say enough. But along with that we have other challenges (hello – working 10 hour days from home AND parenting a two year old at the same time). I don’t post about the challenges. Maybe people don’t want to hear? Maybe they will be scared off? Maybe they will judge me? So I have slowed down my time on Facebook. It hasn’t solved life’s problems, but it has given me a breath of fresh air.

Depression is such a nasty disease. It has taken the lives of so many outwardly successful and happy people. And millions of people right now are struggling with it at varying levels. If you are, you know that sometimes, getting out of bed is the first step towards having a good day. (Why is it that staying in bed all day just seems so comforting?) And as a side note – you can’t “pray depression away”. Prayer helps and prayer is sometimes all that is needed for some people. But for many people, their chemicals and hormones are so imbalanced that they need medication to level themselves out. If you are someone who has never experienced depression, take a moment now and thank God that you are so lucky. Do not judge people that are in the throws of darkness. Do not condemn them for seeing a counselor or taking medication. Instead, be a support system for them. Listen to them. Drag them out of their house to go for a walk. Be there for them. They don’t feel like anyone understands or is there for them – so take the time to convince them otherwise.

I’ve put together a list of some of the things that help pull myself out of the darkness. I don’t always follow the list. In fact, when I am struggling the most, I may just be happy that I’ve gotten out of bed and kept my two year old alive, fed and laughing. Other days, I do a lot more on  my list. It just depends on the day. If you find that you too struggle with darkness, I would love to hear your thoughts and also any additional activities that help you. Leave a comment. My list below is not all encompassing. There are countless other things that help people – so please share your ideas.

1) Go outside and get some fresh air. I know sounds simple. But sometimes, we don’t want to leave the comforts of our safe haven. Get some fresh air, look at the sky, appreciate God’s beauty in nature and walk.

2) Get exercise. This is the hardest item for me to follow. I am a runner. A long-distance runner. In the past, running has been exactly what I needed to clear my mind and relieve stress. But this past year has done a number on my energy levels and motivation to exercise. Do it though. Get outside and move. Move long enough to break a sweat. The endorphins will lift some of the darkness. I promise.

3) Laugh. Sometimes it is so difficult to muster up the energy to laugh. But do it. Put on an old episode of Family Ties or The Wonder Years (I love that show). Or put on a corny movie. Give yourself the permission to laugh.

4) Talk to friends and loved ones. They can’t help you unless they know what is going on. I know you are afraid of being judged. Maybe you are afraid they will say you are not a good enough Christian. Or that you shouldn’t be on meds. Or that it is all in your head. But you may be surprised at how they respond! I had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about the negative stigma many Christians have on depressions and medications and the fact that life is messy. If you are worried about what others think, I want to take the time to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Listen to me when I say that. Don’t get sucked in to the pretty facade that people show on Facebook. Behind their Pinterest worthy pictures are real problems and messy lives. They are just choosing not to show the truth. And frankly, I don’t show my messy life on Facebook either.

5) Eat healthy. I know. The bag of Doritos is so tasty. (yes, the whole bag.) Or the brownie batter is so good – especially before you add the raw egg. Or the bucket of fried chicken is so so good. When you feel yourself being pulled towards the junk, find an alternative. Eat an apple, keep fresh grapes on your counter, make a scrambled egg, drink some water. Try to find an alternative to the temptation of binging on sweet or salty (or if you are like me, sweet AND salty 😉 ) foods.

6) Get help. Talk to your doctors. Get blood work to see if your hormone levels are off. If you have thought about seeing a doctor to talk about the darkness, you need to call right now and make an appointment. Don’t wait any longer – you can feel happier and healthier. Sometimes, you just need to start by talking to a professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of ending your life, please get on the phone and contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

7) Find the good in the bad. Martin Luther King Jr said “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” This is a time when you should reflect on your life. Learn from the past – if it has caused you pain – release the pain – FORGIVE – and take steps to create a different future. See the good in the bad. Nighttime can seem so dark and so lonely. But during the night, we can see the stars or as my two year old says “I see moon. Ni-night moon.”

8) Pray for insight, clarity and peace. Sometimes all I need to tell myself is that I am a child of God. And immediately some of the self doubt and self hatred dissipates.

And be honest with yourself and with others. I wanted to take a moment to share this with you, because I don’t want you to think my life is picture perfect. Yes, I save a lot of money each week. Yes, I have an adorable son who I love more than life itself. Yes, I have a dog who is adorable and never takes a bad picture. But my life is so much deeper and messier than my saving money tips and my busy toddler and my dog. Did you know my dog poops on the floor? Yup. See? I don’t show you that side of my life much 😉

Embrace the messiness, OWN it and seek help if needed.

Please share your tips for finding a light at the end of the tunnel.